Tuesday, October 20, 2009

fate and fortune

I find that my friends divide into two groups: the mystics and the not. I always had a tendency to believe the world of spirits, cards, stars, and magic. I am not a full hundred percent into it, as I really have to keep at least one foot and most of my head on the very much realistic and materialistic ground, but I do believe in the power of guided thoughts, prayers, wishes, destiny and fate.
At any rate, I was traveling to Paris to be with close girlfriends of mine, both I think have strong witchery talents, and we 3 ended up at a fourth one's apartment, where we were all given some "reading" and some advice.

I like listening to advice, because like anybody else's, mine is not a perfect life, and the things I so much want to achieve, sometimes have more chance if I stop at my tracks and slightly change the direction. Sometimes we are so stuck on one way of doing things, and we might miss what is just around us. So- advice it was.

But getting back to do my show (where I am playing a gypsy who reads her own cards, and foresees her own fate), I was quite distracted.
What is one show compare to the rest of my life? ... I tried very hard to concentrate and be in *that* moment, give my whole self to the role, to the music, to the audience... But I simply couldn't get away from a much larger cloud which I was trying to blow away by singing loud.

At the end of that evening (my manager found me in my dressing room very upset with my self yelling out loud: "fuuuuck!"), I learnt that one of the most significant persons in the entire business, was in fact there, to watch me.

Was it by chance? Did my spiritual trip bring some sort of misfortune on purpose? or was it in fact a great fortune and I still do not know its outcome?
Did I only feel like I was not being the best I could, but in fact I was impressive to others? Or was I fortunate enough to have a well-experienced judge there, who can anyway forgive and overlook a temporary weakness and still believe in me? Things take time my friends. I will probably only find out the answer to these questions in many good years from now.
At the moment, though, I am trying to recover from the place where too much spirit and too much material together just makes me want to leave the knowing to someone else.


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